By Erin and Albert
March 15, 2006
Hundreds of lobsters were eaten in the research of this book. Proudly.
Once upon a time Erin and her friend Albert decided they wanted to eat lobsters. They went to a seafood restaurant and ordered a big one.
It came red and steamed and looked wonderful.
“Mmm, I can’t wait until we eat!” Albert said, and he tried to spear it with his fork. But the fork bounced off the lobster’s hard shell.
“No you silly, Erin said. “You have to take off the shell!”
“Take off the shell? Won’t he look silly that way?”
“No, you have to take off the shell so you can eat the meat,” Erin said.
“Okay,” said Albert. “How do we do that?”
Albert and Erin looked at the lobster, and then looked at each other. The lobster smelled good and looked juicy. And they were very hungry.
They looked around and people were using mallets to crack their lobster and eat them.
Then, Erin spotted a sign on the wall that read. ‘Put on bib. Crack your lobster. Eat, enjoy.’
Erin grabbed her mallet and raised it to smash her lobster.
“Hey wait,” Albert said. “Don’t you need a bib?”
“I don’t need a bib!” Erin said smashing the lobster with the mallet.
Lobster bits flew everywhere, on the table, on the walls, on the other customers and the cook and especially on Albert. And sure enough, Erin did not need a bib; Albert did.
“I don’t think this is how you eat lobster,” Albert said looking at the bits of meat left.
“I don’t either,“ said Erin.
“You are supposed to crack the lobster, not smash it!” The customers yelled.
“Oh,” said Erin and they ran out of the restaurant in search of the right way to eat lobster.
“Crack it then eat it, crack it then eat it,”” Erin muttered to herself.
“I’m hungry!” Said Albert. “Can’t we have someone else open it?”
“Albert!” Erin said. “We have to find the best way to eat lobster.”
“Having someone else get it out is not the best way?” Albert asked.
Erin rolled her eyes. “No silly, what if we were stranded on a deserted island with only lobster to eat. What would we do then?” she asked.
“You are right!” Albert said. “I would be hungry.”
So they went looking in search of lobster. They passed by more restaurants and looked at their menus. Lobster Newburg, lobster bisque, lobster rolls, lobster salad, and poor man’s lobster. But there was no whole lobster. There was even a lazy man’s lobster where the lobster was already cracked.
“Mmm, I am hungry,” Albert said. “I can’t wait to eat.”
“We are NOT eating ‘lazy man’s lobster’!” Erin said. “We are NOT lazy. We have to crack it then eat it, crack it then eat it.” And she stormed away from the restaurant.
“But I am lazy,” Albert said. “And I am hungry.”
They walked for a while and in a moment came up on the beach to a hut where people were eating lobsters on newspapers at picnic benches.
“Here looks like a good place!” Said Erin.
“Mmm, I can’t wait until we eat.” Albert said.
“Me too!” Erin said. “Crack it and eat it, crack it and eat it,” she said.
“Will you stop saying that?” Albert asked.
“I want to remember how to eat it though,” she said. “Do you remember?” She asked.
Albert thought hard. And thought. But he was hungry. “Smash it with a mallet?” He asked finally.
“No!” Erin said. “You have to crack it then eat it.”
“Okay,” Albert said. “Let’s crack it and eat it, I’m hungry.”
The lobster came and it was big and red and looked juicy.
“Mmm,” said Erin smelling the lobster.
“Mmm,” said Albert. “Let’s eat!”
They looked around for a mallet, but didn’t find one. Everyone at the hut was using something like nut crackers to open their lobsters.
“I guess we use this,” Erin said, and put the crackers around the lobster and got ready to squeeze.
“Don’t we need bibs? Albert asked.
“I don’t need a bib!” Erin said squishing the lobster with the cracker.
Lobster bits flew everywhere, on the table, on the walls, on the other customers and the cook and especially on Albert. And sure enough, Erin did not need a bib; Albert did.
“I don’t think this is how you eat lobster,” Albert said looking at the bits of meat left.
“I don’t either,“ said Erin.
“You are supposed to crack the lobster, not squish it!” The customers yelled.
“Oh,” said Erin and they ran out of the restaurant in search of the right way to eat lobster.
“Crack it then eat it, crack it then eat it,”” Erin muttered to herself.
“I’m hungry!” Said Albert.
They walked some more and came to a man selling lobsters at a restaurant on the pier.
“Lobsters! Fresh whole lobster!” He yelled.
“Here are some lobsters!” Erin said.
“They don’t look very fresh,” said Albert holding his nose.
“Don’t be silly,” said Erin. “They aren’t cooked yet.” A lobster tried to pinch Albert.
“Sir, we would like a lobster,” Erin said.
“Would you like me to steam it for you?” He asked.
“Yes, please!” said Albert struggling with the lobster.
“Yes, please,” said Erin.
The man put the lobster in the steamer.
“I’m hungry,” said Albert.
“Shh,” said Erin.
“Well I am,” Albert said as they waited.
When the lobster came out of the steamer it was big and red and looked juicy.
“Mmm,” said Erin smelling the lobster.
“Mmm,” said Albert. “Let’s eat!”
They looked around for a mallet, but didn’t find one. They looked around for a cracker, but there wasn’t one. They looked to the man.
“Sir, how do you eat a lobster?” Erin asked. “I heard you were supposed to crack it, then eat it.”
“Crack it then eat it, crack it then eat it,” Albert muttered. “I’m hungry!”
“Well there are many different ways,” the man said, “I use my hands. It can be complicated. I like to eat the claws first, then the head then the legs and then the tail.”
“You eat the head?” Erin asked with wide eyes. “I don’t think I would like to eat the head,” she said.
“I’ll eat the head,” Albert said. “I’m hungry.”
“You don’t eat the whole head,” the man said. There are parts you can’t eat, but there is the liver and lots of meat in the part where the legs are connected.
“I don’t know,” Erin said. “I don’t like liver.”
“I’ll eat the head. I like liver,” Albert said. “I’m hungry.”
“So what do we do?” Erin asked.
“Start by taking the head in one hand and the tail in the other and crack it open,” he said.
“Take the head in one hand and the tail in the other, got it,” Erin repeated and got ready to crack open the lobster.
“Don’t we need bibs? Albert asked.
“I don’t need a bib!” Erin said and cracked open the lobster a bit too hard.
Lobster bits flew everywhere, on the table, on the walls, on the other customers and the man and especially on Albert. And sure enough, Erin did not need a bib; Albert did.
The man then tried to show them a very complicated way to open the lobster. It took a long time.
“I don’t think this is how you eat lobster,” Albert said looking at the lobster bits and waiting to eat.
“I don’t either,” said Erin. “Let’s go home.”
“We can’t give up,” Albert said looking at the bits of lobster.
“It’s getting late,” Erin said and dragged Albert home.
“We’re giving up!” Albert said. “You said we’re not lazy, you said we need to learn to eat lobster, you said we need to be able to eat on lobster island. We can’t give up!”
I’m hungry!” Said Albert.
Erin opened the door to their house and as she did there was a marvelous smell coming from the kitchen.
“Lobster!” Said Erin.
“Lobster!” Said Albert.
They ran to the dining room to find their family at the table. Everyone had a lobster on their plate.
“Come to the table,” Erin’s mother said.
“Come to the table,” Erin’s father said. “There are lobsters for everyone, even you Albert.”
Erin and Albert sat in their seats and got ready to eat.
“Mmm,” said Erin smelling the lobster.
“Mmm,” said Albert. “Let’s eat!”
Albert and Erin looked at their lobster, and then looked at each other. The lobster smelled good and looked juicy. And they were very hungry.
Then Erin looked sad.
“Crack it then eat it, crack it then eat it.” Albert muttered playing with his lobster.
“What is wrong dear?” Erin’s grandmother asked.
“We don’t know how to eat lobster,” Erin said.
“Crack it then eat it, crack it then eat it,” Albert muttered.
“We tried to use a mallet but got lobster everywhere. We tried to use crackers, but got lobster everywhere. We even tried using our hands, and we got lobster everywhere. I guess I need you to crack it for me.” Erin said looking dejected.
Albert looked dejected too.
“I need a bib,” he said.
“You don’t need a bib.” Erin’s grandmother said.
“Oh yes he does!” Erin replied.
“There is no need for a bib,” her grandmother said gently. “You just need someone to show you how.”
“I am skeptical,” Erin said.
“I am skeptical,” Albert said.
“Let me show you,” Erin’s grandmother said.
“First you take the claws off, so you can eat the meat in them.”
“First take off the claws,” Erin repeated.
“First the claws,” Albert repeated, and started gnawing on the claw.
“Gently break the claw at the knuckle,” Erin’s grandmother continued.
Erin broke her claw and a bit of meat poked out.
“Oooh, meat!” Erin said.
Albert gnawed at his claw. “I’m hungry,” he muttered.
“Look, Albert, meat,” Erin said.
Albert stopped gnawing and broke his claw too. They both ate the little bit of meat at the knuckle.
“Then take the lobster cracker and gently open the arm. There is meat there too,” Erin’s grandmother continued. “You can push the meat through the arm like a tube,” she said.
Erin and Albert pushed the meat out and ate it.
“Mmm,” said Erin.
“Mmm,” said Albert. “I’m hungry.”
“Show them the trick for the claw,” Erin’s father said.
“Shh, Honey, let Grammie explain,” Erin’s mother said.
“Here is the trick for the claw.” Erin’s grandmother said. “Take the cracker and put it across the claw a little under the top.”
Erin and Albert copied her.
“Gently crack the claw so that there is a line and break off the piece like a bottle top. The meat should poke through.
“Then take the pincers and break it carefully like wishbone.”
“Whee!” Albert said as Erin and Albert broke the claw like a wishbone.
“There is a little piece of meat in the little piece, but the good part is in the big piece. Take the meat from the top and pull gently.”
A gigantic piece of meat came out. And Erin and Albert each took a giant bite.
“Mmm,” said Erin.
“Mmm, I’m hungry,” said Albert with his mouth full. “This is good!”
“You can decide what to eat next.” Erin’s grandmother said.
“I like to eat the legs,” Erin’s father said. “Show them how to eat the legs,” he said.
“Shh, Darling,” Erin’s mother said. “Let Grammie explain.”
“Take the legs and gently bite right after the knuckle biting little bites up so that the meat gets pushed into your mouth.” Erin’s grandmother said. “On big lobsters you can get a lot of meat, on smaller ones you might get just a little.”
Albert bit too hard at first and ended up with shell in his mouth. Erin took her time and got pieces of meat to eat. Her lobster was a big one so some legs she could break open and get the meat.
“Now take the head of the lobster with one hand, and the tail with the other,” her grandmother said once they were done.
“Augh! I need a bib!” Said Albert shielding his face with his hands.
“It’s true, he needs a bib,” Erin said. “We tried this before and lobster bits flew everywhere, on the table, on the walls and the other customers. Especially on Albert; I don’t need a bib, but Albert definitely does.”
Erin’s Dad looked in disbelief at what they said. “On the walls?” He asked.
Erin’s mother smiled.
“Did you do it gently?” Erin’s grandmother asked.
“Well no…” Erin said.
“Definitely not,” Albert said emphatically.
“Okay break gently. If you want, you can take a butter knife and slide it into the back of the head.”
“That is called the carapace you know,” Erin’s Dad said. “Lobsters are not giant bugs like some people think you know…”
“Shh Dear,” Erin’s mother said. “Let the children eat.”
Erin and Albert broke the lobster carefully, and sure enough Albert did not need a bib.
“Yay!” Said Erin.
“Yay!” Said Albert. “We’re cracking and eating! I am hungry!”
“Some people like to eat the liver.” Erin’s grandmother said.
“I don’t like liver,” Erin said, making a face.
“That is okay, you don’t have to eat it,” Erin’s grandmother said.
“I like liver,” Albert said and ate his with a spoon. “Are you going to eat yours?” He asked Erin. “I’m hungry.”
“It’s also called the tomalley. Try a little,” Erin’s father said.
“Try a little,” Erin’s mother said, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it.
Erin tried a little. Erin’s father said it was an acquired taste. Her mother agreed. It wasn’t bad, but Erin decided not to eat the rest of it that day. Albert ate it instead. He was hungry.
“Once you take off the shell,” Erin’s grandmother continued.
“Carapace,” Erin’s father muttered.
“Dear,” Erin’s mother said.
“Once
you take off the carapace,” Erin’s grandmother
said, you can break the part where the legs connected in half and take out the
meat there.
“This is fun!” Albert said.
“It’s like eating crab!” Erin said.
“Oh the crab eating incident!” Erin’s father said. “Let’s talk about the crab eating incident…”
Erin’s mother looked at Erin’s father. The children looked at him.
“Yes dear, ‘let the children eat,’” he said.
“Finally the best part,” Erin’s grandmother continued with a twinkle in her eye. “You will hear a lot of people tell you to cut the top with scissors or break the ribs of the tail.”
“The man at the pier did that,” Erin said.
“It took a long time,” Albert said. “I was hungry.”
“Well you don’t have to do that,” Erin’s father said. “This is cool!”
He then looked at Erin’s mother who didn’t say a thing.
“What?” She said. “It is cool,” she smiled.
Everyone laughed.
“Okay, take your lobster tail and take off the fins.”
Everyone took off the fins of their lobster tail.
“Then take your finger and poke up the bottom of the tail and push the meat right out.”
Erin and Albert took their fingers and poked the bottom of the tail, and sure enough, the meat popped right out without breaking any other part of the shell.
“Wow!” Erin said.
“Wow!” Albert said.
“Wow!” Erin’s father said.
Erin’s mother smiled. Erin’s grandmother smiled.
They dipped the lobster meat in drawn butter and ate and ate with great relish.
“This is how you eat lobster!” Albert said.
“I concur,” Erin said. “This is how you eat lobster. Thank you, Grammy.”
“Thank you, Grammy.” Albert said. “I cracked it and I ate it. I was hungry. And I didn’t even need a bib!” He said.
And that is how Erin and Albert learned how to eat lobster.
The crab incident? That is a different story for another time.