August 7, 2020 I think I scared myself with this one, opening up too much or risking having a panic attack that I felt the need to write Reverie.
There is a feeling right before something goes wrong.
There is a moment when you know you can’t be strong.
Everything you try to think of, simply goes away
Everything you are afraid of, settles in to stay
That sense of inevitability right when you begin to fall
That impending certainty right before you hit the wall
You can’t catch your breath
You suddenly brush with death
You can’t seem to settle down
And in despair you start to drown
Now go back a step, a bit past that moment of dread,
Just past the inevitability, when there was uncertainty instead.
Now imagine holding onto that consternation, while you are still unsure,
Feeling overwhelmed by the agitation, past what you can endure.
Running away can’t save you for the problem is deep inside,
Feeling betrayed, it chases after you and any relief is denied.
And you can’t see past the light
And you can’t feel anything but fright
You just can’t seem to settle down
So all you can do is drown
You feel like being ridiculed in school, being bullied and feeling the fool
Feeling embarrassed is unabated, ever jealous-ed and self-hated,
Feeling ashamed and feeling weak, feeling chained and feeling meek,
Feeling powerless and restrained, marked with cowardice and self-chained
Feeling panic, but not an antic, this feeling of manic and being frantic
Feeling drastic and spastic, this feeling of plastic is just traumatic
The frustration of the situation leads to humiliation,
And the foundation of the explanation is left to interpretation
There’s no motivation or transformation, left in the imagination
There’s no adaptation or salvation to lead to liberation
Instead you bleed and exceed the limits of your capability
You freeze and seize paralyzed in your ability
Inside you beg and you plead, and fall upon you knees
Your thinking begins to decrease or cease, unable to find reprieve.
And unable to break the cycle, the lack of dignity so so final
In the end you embrace denial, inevitable for survival.
Remember when I told you to imagine that moment?
The sense of dread, unable to postpone it?
This impending conviction of inevitability,
That crippling pain of the uncertainty
Now remember to hold on tight to that feeling,
When inside you can’t stop the screaming
Now imagine having to hold it all
Day after day, being owned by it all
And when it finally begins to eats at your sanity
My friend, you’re starting to understand anxiety.
And something triggers it all
Almost inconsequential, it makes you fall
And soon you can’t settle down,
And once again with nary a sound…
…and once again you begin to drown.