Written October 10, 2020 with input from Chris (bonus for using “spiked drum aerator”). Recorded October 11, 2020 at 1 AM.
Let me tell you about a nefarious conspiracy
About wealth and oppression and exercises in futility
They put fluoride in the water to keep us compliant
Feed us graham crackers and cereal to keep us from being defiant
Forty-five days before the first frost
I seed my lawn before the time is lost
And again in spring, with that, my indicator
Helping my lawn with my spiked drum aerator
The smell of cut grass, the feeling on our feet
Each year we grow this crop we cannot eat
We compete with our neighbor to see whose lawn is better
When we neglect it we get fined and get nasty letters
It only takes a moment to understand this vanity,
It takes a quick look to understand lawn history
The reason we are willing to spend to excess
Is that lawns are a manifestation of material success
A lawn is supposed to say I have extra time to spend on this
A lawn tells people I have extra money that won’t be missed
And helping the environment is a bit of a fallacy.
As an invasive species it doesn’t help biodiversity
Choose Bermudagrass for your fancy putting greens
For fairways, ryegrass or St. Augustine
And if you think centipede might be a little too scruffy
Pick zoisia or the bluegrass from the state of Kentucky.
With climate change and people facing drought
Lawns are anachronisms it’s no doubt
The amount of water it takes for two square feet
Can keep a man alive each day in Sahara heat
We add compost and fertilizer, nutrients and pH stabilizer
We buy lawn mowers and oxidizers, edgers made of carbon fiber
Let’s not forget the pesticides and herbicides, germicides and fungicide
Even cyanide seems justified as we commit nature genocide
So before you sabotage your neighbor’s grass in jealousy
Realize you’ve been fooled to live in class captivity
And before you spend more to manicure your grass follicles
Perhaps, you should just go inside and get your monocle.
So if each season you are slave to your grass
Neglecting your children for this pain in the ass
The reason you keep worrying about your lawn?
You’ve been brainwashed and made into their pawn.
Consider that you might just be a pawn!
Being a lawn pawn is wrong!