Evil Garden Gnome

April 4, 2021

I am sad at our empty bird house,
Is it because it doesn’t have a sleeping couch?
Perhaps the birds stay away,
Because I peer into it every day,
And they tend to stay much further south.

Perhaps I just don’t understand spring,
Is watering your plants not a thing?
We plant approved flowers and trees,
To try to help the monarchs and the bees,
And put out suet and seed to encourage birds to sing.

So why don’t they all rise up to join me,
Raise their limbs and laugh maniacally,
I put out radioactive food,
To try to raise a strong brood,
And try to train predator birds and killer bees.

I don’t have much more to share,
As I plant and prune outside my lair,
I fertilize my lawn with manure and excrement,
Steepling my hands and saying “excellent.”
And no one at Home Despot seems to care.

With my neighbors we are all rather informal,
Even if only one or two of them is immortal,
I can see trepidation in your eyes,
Pshaw, we’re just homeowners in disguise,
And taking care of the garden isn’t abnormal.

By the way, I don’t think our trees will get much fruit,
Even if we cut back the flowers and the roots,
You may think that I am kidding,
Trying to make plants do my bidding,
But you can’t have too many flowers if you want sweet juice.